I used to beat myself up all the time on my approach to life. If ever there was a time to switch up the nonchalant “whether I succeed or fail life goes on” attitude it would be before I embarked on my excellent (Yet expensive) journey to college. I mean it is a well and decent philosophy to possess. Basically, do not sweat the small stuff. It can however be rather irritating and problematic when you mix that impulse way of thinking with a slightly indecisive person as myself. I was studious all throughout college, I could not tell you the array of nights still buzzed off caffeine I would spend staying up and pass 3 a.m. I would set an alarm to nap for 15 minutes so I could finish studying extra before a final I had in the limited hours proceeding (Highly not recommended). Though I was studious in the back of mind I could not help but have the thought of, “I have no clear-cut directional pursuit in which to design these classes I take.” It was whatever caught my eye and looked challenging. Luckily and strangely enough, it all rather fell into place.
My parents bless them; still to this day probably have no clue what I really studied in college for. I can’t blame them. I changed my major decision I believe three times because nothing really seemed to fit into place. I wanted something that allowed me to have my cake and eat it too. I found the nicely decorated piece of paper aka my degree opportunity that allowed me to have my cake and incorporate what I loved to do, but then the problem came along of not having the proper cutlery to eat that wonderfully delicious piece of cake with (Oh joy a piece of paper with no enticing career choice). Education is meant to free your mind not in trap it.
I guess I could not grasp the concept of just robotically getting a basic job like so many people I encountered have, had and will do. For most of us we will spend a good chunk of our lives working, I rather it be demanding and satisfying. I do not justify entitlement; I know there are dues we must pay. All I am saying is if I am going to be some bodies bitch for a lack of better words, I would more precisely favor gaining enough skills to give them a little run for their money and friendly competition. Point being I do not want to be in a dead-end job beating my head against my keyboard in a dimly lit cubicle (Sorry if this is you, it happens to the best of us). While that might be fine for some, to thine own self be true, I know thyself. I used to think if only I was one of those people who had it figured out; I go to college for x amount of years to obtain (insert degree choice) to be (insert profession). I secretly admired behind closed doors, the people who were truly happy and certain what they wanted to do because I really I had not a clue (still don’t). I have always wanted to be the wearer of many hats.
I tried to look at the constant factors in my life, the things that just never seemed to get old to me no matter how basic and elementary they are. 1. I love to write, 2. I love the arts, 3. I love dialogue with people. So being able to craft a major I incorporated the things that I actually enjoyed losing sleep over. I studied Theater, Critical Art and Communication, sprinkled in with some ethnic relations classes with my cherry being the loads of feminist disposition classes I encountered along the way (Thank you Professor Susan Russell).
I have learned to breathe a bit when it comes to that fear of not quite having it all figured out yet. I am now finding that my viewpoint on the prospects of life and the correlations with that and trying to be self-sufficient in my attempts of discovering my best communal life possible are fairly positive (Kudos to Aristotle). It is ok to stumble and search for something more meaningful. In allowing myself to be, the flawed individual I am it has taken me on adventures that people seldom get to experience. For now, I am still learning and growing. I may not be there just yet but the clouded doubts and tiny negative voices that we are all guilty of succumbing to from time to time are silenced. I have made peace with the fact that I will obtain all that I am supposed to in this lifetime soon enough when it is my time to do so.